Planes, Fear and Overcoming

What was I thinking when I accepted the invitation to teach a 2 day marathon workshop on a subject in which I had no professional training? What was I thinking when I booked my flight in which I would travel to get there?

I know. I was caught up in the glamorous idea that I was actually making something of myself.  Against all odds and especially against all the proclamations of  doom and gloom drilled into my soul by my parents since an early age. You'll be nothing. You'll always fail. You're stupid. You're nothing more than one of those whores strutting her shit down on D street in Killeen. The words and the pain wash over me consuming me from within. A lump forms in my throat as my head begins to pound in my ears. Sweat overtakes my freshly applied deodorant. 

The ringing of my phone jerks me out of my downhill spiral and causes me to visibly jerk upright. People sitting around me stare at me quizzically. Nodding my head and offering a lopsided smile I hope that they will look away as I fumble for my ringing phone.

Finally locating the phone and flipping it open I hear a frantic plea coming from my daughter scream through the phone.

"Mama, please don't go! I don't want you to crash and die!"

Taking a deep breath I spend the next five minutes calming her down and fail miserably in blocking her fears from grabbing hold of mine and growing into a much larger monster in the pit of my stomach.

As the sound of the loudspeaker comes across announcing boarding for my flight I assure her one more time and hang up the phone. Trying to swallow the ball of terror in the back of my throat I can only offer a weak smile and nod of my head to the lady checking in my ticket. 

The walk down the long tunnel to the plane feels as if it is never ending.  In fact I feel as if I am in one of those movies where I am walking but not really going anywhere.  And the door to the plane is getting farther and farther away.

Finally, after what seems like hours but was truthfully probably only a minute at most I reach the doorway to the plane where two pretty stewardesses stand waiting. All in one moment my legs go on strike and I find myself simply standing there. Not moving forward but not turning around either.

A look of panic must be evident on my face because both ladies gently grab my arms and attempt to guide me in. I visibly shake and they quickly let go. Closing my eyes an image of my parents' face appears and I know I must go forward even if it's only to prove them wrong. I am not a failure and I CAN succeed. I will get on this plane and fly to another city to teach, I said TEACH a seminar to willing participants that WANT my knowledge and expertise.

I take a deep breath filling my lungs and expel over 30 years of pain, abandonment and insults from my parents. More determined than ever I take the step over the threshold and know that I have begun a new chapter in my life.  One to be filled with self growth, confidence and new friendships.

I have overcome my daughter's fear of planes and my own parent induced childhood fears of worthlessness. I will succeed.