We'll be ok....

"You know, it's ok to go," I said as I choked back my tears.  I am determined to be strong and present a non emotional front because I know that I am really treading out on thin ice so to speak with this subject.

Uncle Bill takes a deep breath and turns his head towards me.  Shockingly, he doesn't seem upset with me as I had expected he would.  Instead, I think I see a single tear escape the brim of his eyelid and roll unwanted down his cheek.

"Not yet. I can't. Who will take care of everyone? That's my job."

"Oh, Uncle Bill. You already have. You've been taking care of us all our entire lives. It's time for you to do what you need to for you," I said.

Uncle Bill looks at me with searching eyes and turns away pretending to fiddle with the bed controls as another tear escapes down the crease in his cheek. Waiting for both of us to gain control of our emotions I too turn away swallowing hard and hoping my tears would not fall.

Taking a slow, deep breath I say, "Uncle Bill. We would not be the people today without everything you have done for each of us. I mean look at Billy Joe and Collin. They are both happy and doing great.  Look at me. Did anyone ever think I would find a man as good as Chuck to take care of me and my kids?"

Sternly, he says, "No. You will never find another good man like Chuck." Uncle Bill has always been firm on this subject. I think it's because he doesn't have to worry about me or the kids.

"I know this is a tough subject but we have to talk about it. I promise we will be ok. You need to think of yourself for the first time in all these years. Think how happy you will be Uncle Bill." I am openly crying now and I don't care.  I want him out of pain and for him to be happy so badly.  "Uncle Bill, I know you don't want me to say all this." He turns and looks at me with what is clearly an unhappy, almost mad facial expression.

Taking a huge breath and going for the plunge I say, "Well, what do you expect me to do? I learned from the best how to take care of business and the ones I love.  And right now you, how you feel and how I love you are my business." I quickly look down at my lap fearful I may have gone too far with my words but knowing I am the only one that could get away with saying it. I take another huge gulp of air and say, "You should be proud of me. I learned and listened to you.  I am who I am and I do what I do because of you."

Looking down as if he were a tiger that had just realized his match he sighs.  Slowly, he brings his eyes back up to meet mine and he says, "I am proud of you, Janet."

I draw in what feels like the biggest, deepest breath I have ever taken and softly say, "Then trust that we will be ok and trust me when I say I promise you that I will make sure that everyone is ok."

Several minutes go by before I finally see or I think I see what is the tiniest nod of his head.  "Yes, you'll all be ok," he whispered.

The Bubblegum Eyes Scandal...

As the sun hits the mid way mark in the sky the heat index begins to climb. It looks like it will be another typical hot Texas summer afternoon. I shove my feet into my flip flops and take off down the stairs towards the courtyard where Billy Joe is standing.

Walking up to Billy Joe I catch his eye and he puts his finger to his lips hissing a quiet shhhhhh.  He points to a groups of guys sitting on their apartment porch hanging out laughing, smoking and playing their guitars. Confused at what he is getting at I raise my eyebrow as if to ask him what's going on.

Billy Joe says, "You want ice cream today right?" I nod my head slowly and he then says, "Watch this."  I stand by watching him and wondering what he could possibly be up to this time.

Casually, as if he had done it a million times, Billy Joe walks up to the group of guys and positions himself into a leaning position against the door frame to their apartment. He is pretty much given a quick once over by the guys but other than that isn't given much attention.

Over the course of the next 10 minutes or so Billy Joe begins to ask the group of guys what is entirely too many questions. I couldn't quite hear what was being said but the looks on their faces and the glances they were giving Billy Joe clearly told the story of the building frustration the guys were having towards him.

Eventually the guys handed something to Billy Joe and he turned towards me with a huge cat ate the canary smile on his face. He practically danced over to me with his accomplishment plastered on his face and promptly stopped right in front of me. Opening his hand and revealing a pair of shiny quarters he exclaimed, "Ice cream money!"

Suddenly everything became clear to me and I realized he had just taught me what I eventually named the Bubble Gum Eyes Scandal.  You see every single day the ice cream truck came through the apartment complex peddling his goods. And every day I had wished I had enough money to get the one with the bubble gum eyes.  However, Aunt Linda only gave us between .50 and a dollar but the bubble gum eyes cost $1.25. So, I either had to go without ice cream one day to have enough the next day or more often than not I simply got the cheaper selection. 

However, now I had a plan of action.  Each day, I became the little girl with the freckles and pigtails that danced over to that group of guys and pestered the hell out of them until they paid me quarters to leave. With the money I had just conned out of the guitar guys added to the money Aunt Linda gave me I knew I would soon be enjoying the deliciousness of the bubble gum eyes ice cream.  And everyday I heard the magical call of the ice cream truck I knew I had accomplished another task in the Bubble Gum Eyes Scandal.

Little did I realize that years later as an adult I would run into one of those guys and we would eventually meet, fall in love and get married. Me realizing he was one of those "guitar guys" and him realizing I was that freckle faced little girl pestering him for quarters.

Roller Skates and Hell

I gather up my courage one more time to stand upward while attempting to keep the roller skates from sliding in opposite directions again.  I can hear my heartbeat pounding in my ears as my fear rises.

I want so badly to be able to skate like the other girls in the apartment complex. They seem to do it with such ease and grace. I know that I will never be fully accepted until I can roll smoothly along side them as they zip through the sidewalks passing each apartment door.

My knees resemble a mess of meat that just came through a grinder because I have fallen so many times while practicing all day.  The other girls have gone on ahead without me showing no concern if I am with them or not. I'll show them! I know I can do it. I take a deep breath and grab the rails of the nearby staircase and pull myself up. Steadying my feet, I slow my breathing down to a semi-normal speed and slowly let go of the rails.

I'm doing it! I'm standing! And I'm not rolling away or falling uncontrollably! Gaining a bit of courage I slowly begin to work my way down the sidewalk to the middle of the courtyard. I am smiling now as I begin to get the hang of gliding my feet with the clumsy skates on.

Just as I think all is well, from behind me I hear a maniacal laugh and only realize who it is just as his hands hit my back and begin shoving me along the concrete.  My mean and horrible cousin Billy Joe who always derives such pleasure from causing me torture had rounded the corner in time to see my clumsy attempts to skate.  Now, he had his hands on my back and was pushing me at a blazing speed straight for the open gate to the complex swimming pool!

Completely helpless I ended up flailing like an injured sinking sea cow with the skates on my feet acting as brick weights.  The fact that I couldn't swim either didn't help anything. I began splashing around, sucking in enough water to sink a ship and attempting to scream for help.  All the while Billy Joe stood laughing so hard he was doubled over.

The world went black and I don't know who helped me but I do know roller skates, swimming pools and Billy Joe do not make a good combination.